honesty

omg i've just been so busy recently that i have completely forgot about my blog. i haven't been doing anything important but i can't even remember the last time that i just spent a quiet evening at home.

when i'm not working i'm hanging out with friends. when i'm not hanging out with friends i'm sleeping. i feel like i have so much to say and i know that none of you will read this all but thats ok with me.

ok so i moved back home. i honestly think that it is the best decision that i have made recently. i do not regret moving out and living on my own. i definately grew up over the past year and i learned alot about myself that i did realize before. as much as i wish i had never moved out i could never take it back. i became closer with jill and learned my independence and that i am a strong person and can stand on my own two feet. i struggled alot but i made it though everything and i think i have come out a stronger person on this side.

my brother started dating one of my best friends back in july and they are now officially a couple. that wasnt an easy moment for me at all. i struggled with it. i didn't like it. i didn't want it to happen. but i realized that it was for purely selfish reasons which is completely unfair. i have always struggled in my relationship with my brother. ive always wanted his attention and to be his friend and have never recieved that. ive come to a sad realization that i don't think that our relationship will ever be what i want it to be. i just need to accept it and appreciate the relationship that we do have because things could be much worse. i still have a hard time with it sometimes but i think it will get easier seeing and knowing that they are together as time goes on. all i know is they are both extremely happy and i think that they both deserve that.

my friend emily has recently come back into my life. we were really good friends once upon a time. the type of friends that see eachother every day. the type of friends that one does homework and the other one reads a book and still have fun. the type of friends who go everywhere together and have fun with everything that they do. i lost that friend at some point. emily did the same thing that most girls have done at some point. she started dating a guy and fell head over heals and completely abandoned her friends including me even though we were attached at the hip. her and her boyfriend broke up and we got back in touch. she apologized for everything and she continues to constantly apologize. she tells me that she is so thankful that i can accept her and move on. so we're back to being attached at the hip and i'm really enjoying it. i can't deny that i am very nervous for her to have a boyfriend again. i have the fear that (even though she promises she wont) she will leave me again and i'll be abandoned again. all i can do is enjoy the time that i have and deal with it when the time comes. i truely enjoy spending time with her and her family.

so this is just a quick one... i've been hanging out with my brothers friends alot recently. annnd not with him.. haha.. i don't know how kenny feels about it. and if he didn't like it i don't think he would tell me. but they like me. i like them. we have fun. they invite me. so i go. thats all there is to it. i'm having fun. its fun growing up and going out. i'm enjoying it alot.

i quit nannying. i couldn't do it anymore. i hated it so much and everyone that i know knew that i hated it. i can't express how much more stress free my life is now that i dont' have to deal with it anymore. i know that i hated it... but i didn't realize how much it was bringing me down until it was gone. such a relief. they may have been little boogers but i wish the family the best.

ok i feel like there is sooooo much more that i could talk about but i don't want to ramble on fooooorever. (plus i'm getting super sleepy) so last but not least:

I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!! haha i saved what i think is the best for last. i'm so excited! i love babies and i oddly really want one of my own. if i could be married and have a child right now.. i would. but no one loves me.. there for no baby. haha anyways.. its exciting to be an aunt. i keep thinking about myself and how i want to be. and what i will be in this childs eyes. it makes me want to be a better person. i want to be a rolmodel. i want to be someone that he/she can rely on and trust. my aunt and uncle are the best people. they are so influencial and helpful and kind and loving and i always can talk to them. i want to be not only his/her aunt but friend and confidonte.

anyways now that i have spilled my beans its time for bed. i'll post again soon!!