wants, need, and looking forward too.

wow i haven't posted in a long time.. but for some reason at the moment i feel like i need to write things down on paper or type them out.. and i don't have paper by me.. just a lap top.. so here goes...

1. i'm LOOKING FORWARD TO my nephew getting here. i think about him every day. its crazy how much you can love somebody before they are even born. its a new experience for me, i've never been really close to anybody who's had a baby. i think about him every day and i think about what he will be like when he grows up, the things that he will have to deal with, the people he will encounter, i wonder what the world will be like when he's my age, i wonder what he'll look like, and i hope that he'll have an amazing life. i can't wait for him to be born so i can hold him and kiss him and watch him grow up :)

2. i WANT a second job. i constantly feel like i'm broke as a joke. i was just sitting here thinking about how excited i am about getting paid on friday. i'm always super excited to get paid but my pay check is always gone by the end of the weekend. i have bills to pay and things to buy, and then i'm broke for the next 2 weeks. i have so many things i need to pay for and so many things i need to buy.. but i can never afford to do it. plus i've been feeling really lazy :( when i was working at starbucks inside fredmeyer i was working 42-48 hours a week, yes i was tired all the time, but i felt like i was doing something and i had amazing pay checks and i was living on my own, i felt like an adult. but at the same time when greyson is born i'm going to watch him (which means i will be making even less than i am right now) which will be an amazing experience. i think after that (which will be until summer time-ish) its time to get a real job, and a full time job.

3. i WANT to hurry up and move. this whole not knowing when or where things is killing me. i sit around anticipating and dreading it. i know we'll be moving by the new year for sure... but i just wanna get it over with because i don't want to have to deal with it during the holidays.

4. i WANT my credit cards payed off. this all comes back to being broke. i want so badly to go back in time and to never get my credit cards. i have 3 credit cards. its not like any of them have super high limits (the limits are actually really low) but i hate paying the monthly bill and whenever i think about it i completely stressed out. its another reason that i want another job because i want to be able to make bigger payments on them and get those suckers payed off.. then i can cut up the cards and forget then even exist.

5. i NEED a a freakin lap top. this whole not having one is making it really hard to go back to school. i want to go back winter quarter but when i go back i need to take online classes... but to do that i need a lap top. yes i'm currently on a lap top.. but its not mine its my moms and she has to take it to work every day.. so if i went back to school i would only be able to work on it whenever my mom is at home and not working. i'm hoping that maybe i will get a couple hundred dollars on my tax return. (i'm not getting my hopes to high cause my tax return last year was jack shit) i don't need anything to nice. just something that has a microsoft word of somesort, the internet, something i can put itunes on, a cd player (which comes in almost every lap top) and preferabley a camera on it so i can video chat.

6. i'm LOOKING FORWARD TO halloween weekend. i just wanna have a good time this weekend and not worry about things. and i really wanna try to just let loose.

7. i WANT confidence.

8. I WANT to not be alone, i want a companion, i want a relationship.

9. i WANT ted-e to live forever

10. i WANT my parents to be less stressed out

11. i WANT some of my friends to not be so damn stupid

12. i'm LOOKING FORWARD to christmas

13. i'm LOOKING FORWARD to living on my own again someday. i miss all of my stuff. i miss all of my kitchen things, decorations, and furniture. i miss being able to have people over for dinner. i miss having my independence.

14. i WANT a new comforter.

15. i NEED new shoes

16. i NEED a gym membership. i NEED to loose weight.

17. i WANT to go shopping black friday.. but i don't have a ton of money.. i need to get rich quick so i can get some good deals.

18. i WANT my friends who are struggling to feel better about things. its sucks watching people u really care about hurt. i know that i have my own issues and i know that i struggle and i know that i hurt, but i hate watching other people struggle, especially when there is nothing that i can do for them but lend and ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.

19. i'm LOOKING FORWARD TO january. i'm going to california to see two of my favorite people... miss garvin and mister berger. and going to disneyland. and sara and her boyfriend are flying in from austrailia and meeting me there and i'm so excited to introduce them to my favorite people and then they are coming up here and i get to show them around :)

20. i WANT to be more crafty. i would love to make a bunch of stuff and start my own store on etsy. i love being crafty and creative. whenever i'm mod-podging, scrapbooking, making cards, decorating things, i feel the most like myself. i love being creative and when i shop on etsy i want to buy everything that i see and i makes me want to go to the craft store and make so many things and its makes me want to learn how to make things! (wow that was a crazy run-on statement)

wow.. i have a few things on my mind and this doesn't even describe half of it. its time to do some major evaluating and figure out what i want and what i need to do. changes take time, confidence, and courage. i need to find and figure out all three of those things.