wow i haven't posted in a long time.. but for some reason at the moment i feel like i need to write things down on paper or type them out.. and i don't have paper by me.. just a lap top.. so here goes...
1. i'm LOOKING FORWARD TO my nephew getting here. i think about him every day. its crazy how much you can love somebody before they are even born. its a new experience for me, i've never been really close to anybody who's had a baby. i think about him every day and i think about what he will be like when he grows up, the things that he will have to deal with, the people he will encounter, i wonder what the world will be like when he's my age, i wonder what he'll look like, and i hope that he'll have an amazing life. i can't wait for him to be born so i can hold him and kiss him and watch him grow up :)
2. i WANT a second job. i constantly feel like i'm broke as a joke. i was just sitting here thinking about how excited i am about getting paid on friday. i'm always super excited to get paid but my pay check is always gone by the end of the weekend. i have bills to pay and things to buy, and then i'm broke for the next 2 weeks. i have so many things i need to pay for and so many things i need to buy.. but i can never afford to do it. plus i've been feeling really lazy :( when i was working at starbucks inside fredmeyer i was working 42-48 hours a week, yes i was tired all the time, but i felt like i was doing something and i had amazing pay checks and i was living on my own, i felt like an adult. but at the same time when greyson is born i'm going to watch him (which means i will be making even less than i am right now) which will be an amazing experience. i think after that (which will be until summer time-ish) its time to get a real job, and a full time job.
3. i WANT to hurry up and move. this whole not knowing when or where things is killing me. i sit around anticipating and dreading it. i know we'll be moving by the new year for sure... but i just wanna get it over with because i don't want to have to deal with it during the holidays.
4. i WANT my credit cards payed off. this all comes back to being broke. i want so badly to go back in time and to never get my credit cards. i have 3 credit cards. its not like any of them have super high limits (the limits are actually really low) but i hate paying the monthly bill and whenever i think about it i completely stressed out. its another reason that i want another job because i want to be able to make bigger payments on them and get those suckers payed off.. then i can cut up the cards and forget then even exist.
5. i NEED a a freakin lap top. this whole not having one is making it really hard to go back to school. i want to go back winter quarter but when i go back i need to take online classes... but to do that i need a lap top. yes i'm currently on a lap top.. but its not mine its my moms and she has to take it to work every day.. so if i went back to school i would only be able to work on it whenever my mom is at home and not working. i'm hoping that maybe i will get a couple hundred dollars on my tax return. (i'm not getting my hopes to high cause my tax return last year was jack shit) i don't need anything to nice. just something that has a microsoft word of somesort, the internet, something i can put itunes on, a cd player (which comes in almost every lap top) and preferabley a camera on it so i can video chat.
6. i'm LOOKING FORWARD TO halloween weekend. i just wanna have a good time this weekend and not worry about things. and i really wanna try to just let loose.
7. i WANT confidence.
8. I WANT to not be alone, i want a companion, i want a relationship.
9. i WANT ted-e to live forever
10. i WANT my parents to be less stressed out
11. i WANT some of my friends to not be so damn stupid
12. i'm LOOKING FORWARD to christmas
13. i'm LOOKING FORWARD to living on my own again someday. i miss all of my stuff. i miss all of my kitchen things, decorations, and furniture. i miss being able to have people over for dinner. i miss having my independence.
14. i WANT a new comforter.
15. i NEED new shoes
16. i NEED a gym membership. i NEED to loose weight.
17. i WANT to go shopping black friday.. but i don't have a ton of money.. i need to get rich quick so i can get some good deals.
18. i WANT my friends who are struggling to feel better about things. its sucks watching people u really care about hurt. i know that i have my own issues and i know that i struggle and i know that i hurt, but i hate watching other people struggle, especially when there is nothing that i can do for them but lend and ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.
19. i'm LOOKING FORWARD TO january. i'm going to california to see two of my favorite people... miss garvin and mister berger. and going to disneyland. and sara and her boyfriend are flying in from austrailia and meeting me there and i'm so excited to introduce them to my favorite people and then they are coming up here and i get to show them around :)
20. i WANT to be more crafty. i would love to make a bunch of stuff and start my own store on etsy. i love being crafty and creative. whenever i'm mod-podging, scrapbooking, making cards, decorating things, i feel the most like myself. i love being creative and when i shop on etsy i want to buy everything that i see and i makes me want to go to the craft store and make so many things and its makes me want to learn how to make things! (wow that was a crazy run-on statement)
wow.. i have a few things on my mind and this doesn't even describe half of it. its time to do some major evaluating and figure out what i want and what i need to do. changes take time, confidence, and courage. i need to find and figure out all three of those things.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, November 16, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sadness
today has been a rough day.
kurt and shannon went in for there first ultrasound of the baby.
the doctor couldnt find a heart beat for the baby. it turns our shannon probably lost the baby about a week ago.
i keep telling my self everything happens for a reason.
and its all in gods hands.
but that doesn't take away the hurt and the sadness.
i can't even imagine how kurt and shannon are feeling.
kurt and shannon went in for there first ultrasound of the baby.
the doctor couldnt find a heart beat for the baby. it turns our shannon probably lost the baby about a week ago.
i keep telling my self everything happens for a reason.
and its all in gods hands.
but that doesn't take away the hurt and the sadness.
i can't even imagine how kurt and shannon are feeling.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
honesty
omg i've just been so busy recently that i have completely forgot about my blog. i haven't been doing anything important but i can't even remember the last time that i just spent a quiet evening at home.
when i'm not working i'm hanging out with friends. when i'm not hanging out with friends i'm sleeping. i feel like i have so much to say and i know that none of you will read this all but thats ok with me.
ok so i moved back home. i honestly think that it is the best decision that i have made recently. i do not regret moving out and living on my own. i definately grew up over the past year and i learned alot about myself that i did realize before. as much as i wish i had never moved out i could never take it back. i became closer with jill and learned my independence and that i am a strong person and can stand on my own two feet. i struggled alot but i made it though everything and i think i have come out a stronger person on this side.
my brother started dating one of my best friends back in july and they are now officially a couple. that wasnt an easy moment for me at all. i struggled with it. i didn't like it. i didn't want it to happen. but i realized that it was for purely selfish reasons which is completely unfair. i have always struggled in my relationship with my brother. ive always wanted his attention and to be his friend and have never recieved that. ive come to a sad realization that i don't think that our relationship will ever be what i want it to be. i just need to accept it and appreciate the relationship that we do have because things could be much worse. i still have a hard time with it sometimes but i think it will get easier seeing and knowing that they are together as time goes on. all i know is they are both extremely happy and i think that they both deserve that.
my friend emily has recently come back into my life. we were really good friends once upon a time. the type of friends that see eachother every day. the type of friends that one does homework and the other one reads a book and still have fun. the type of friends who go everywhere together and have fun with everything that they do. i lost that friend at some point. emily did the same thing that most girls have done at some point. she started dating a guy and fell head over heals and completely abandoned her friends including me even though we were attached at the hip. her and her boyfriend broke up and we got back in touch. she apologized for everything and she continues to constantly apologize. she tells me that she is so thankful that i can accept her and move on. so we're back to being attached at the hip and i'm really enjoying it. i can't deny that i am very nervous for her to have a boyfriend again. i have the fear that (even though she promises she wont) she will leave me again and i'll be abandoned again. all i can do is enjoy the time that i have and deal with it when the time comes. i truely enjoy spending time with her and her family.
so this is just a quick one... i've been hanging out with my brothers friends alot recently. annnd not with him.. haha.. i don't know how kenny feels about it. and if he didn't like it i don't think he would tell me. but they like me. i like them. we have fun. they invite me. so i go. thats all there is to it. i'm having fun. its fun growing up and going out. i'm enjoying it alot.
i quit nannying. i couldn't do it anymore. i hated it so much and everyone that i know knew that i hated it. i can't express how much more stress free my life is now that i dont' have to deal with it anymore. i know that i hated it... but i didn't realize how much it was bringing me down until it was gone. such a relief. they may have been little boogers but i wish the family the best.
ok i feel like there is sooooo much more that i could talk about but i don't want to ramble on fooooorever. (plus i'm getting super sleepy) so last but not least:
I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!! haha i saved what i think is the best for last. i'm so excited! i love babies and i oddly really want one of my own. if i could be married and have a child right now.. i would. but no one loves me.. there for no baby. haha anyways.. its exciting to be an aunt. i keep thinking about myself and how i want to be. and what i will be in this childs eyes. it makes me want to be a better person. i want to be a rolmodel. i want to be someone that he/she can rely on and trust. my aunt and uncle are the best people. they are so influencial and helpful and kind and loving and i always can talk to them. i want to be not only his/her aunt but friend and confidonte.
anyways now that i have spilled my beans its time for bed. i'll post again soon!!
when i'm not working i'm hanging out with friends. when i'm not hanging out with friends i'm sleeping. i feel like i have so much to say and i know that none of you will read this all but thats ok with me.
ok so i moved back home. i honestly think that it is the best decision that i have made recently. i do not regret moving out and living on my own. i definately grew up over the past year and i learned alot about myself that i did realize before. as much as i wish i had never moved out i could never take it back. i became closer with jill and learned my independence and that i am a strong person and can stand on my own two feet. i struggled alot but i made it though everything and i think i have come out a stronger person on this side.
my brother started dating one of my best friends back in july and they are now officially a couple. that wasnt an easy moment for me at all. i struggled with it. i didn't like it. i didn't want it to happen. but i realized that it was for purely selfish reasons which is completely unfair. i have always struggled in my relationship with my brother. ive always wanted his attention and to be his friend and have never recieved that. ive come to a sad realization that i don't think that our relationship will ever be what i want it to be. i just need to accept it and appreciate the relationship that we do have because things could be much worse. i still have a hard time with it sometimes but i think it will get easier seeing and knowing that they are together as time goes on. all i know is they are both extremely happy and i think that they both deserve that.
my friend emily has recently come back into my life. we were really good friends once upon a time. the type of friends that see eachother every day. the type of friends that one does homework and the other one reads a book and still have fun. the type of friends who go everywhere together and have fun with everything that they do. i lost that friend at some point. emily did the same thing that most girls have done at some point. she started dating a guy and fell head over heals and completely abandoned her friends including me even though we were attached at the hip. her and her boyfriend broke up and we got back in touch. she apologized for everything and she continues to constantly apologize. she tells me that she is so thankful that i can accept her and move on. so we're back to being attached at the hip and i'm really enjoying it. i can't deny that i am very nervous for her to have a boyfriend again. i have the fear that (even though she promises she wont) she will leave me again and i'll be abandoned again. all i can do is enjoy the time that i have and deal with it when the time comes. i truely enjoy spending time with her and her family.
so this is just a quick one... i've been hanging out with my brothers friends alot recently. annnd not with him.. haha.. i don't know how kenny feels about it. and if he didn't like it i don't think he would tell me. but they like me. i like them. we have fun. they invite me. so i go. thats all there is to it. i'm having fun. its fun growing up and going out. i'm enjoying it alot.
i quit nannying. i couldn't do it anymore. i hated it so much and everyone that i know knew that i hated it. i can't express how much more stress free my life is now that i dont' have to deal with it anymore. i know that i hated it... but i didn't realize how much it was bringing me down until it was gone. such a relief. they may have been little boogers but i wish the family the best.
ok i feel like there is sooooo much more that i could talk about but i don't want to ramble on fooooorever. (plus i'm getting super sleepy) so last but not least:
I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!! haha i saved what i think is the best for last. i'm so excited! i love babies and i oddly really want one of my own. if i could be married and have a child right now.. i would. but no one loves me.. there for no baby. haha anyways.. its exciting to be an aunt. i keep thinking about myself and how i want to be. and what i will be in this childs eyes. it makes me want to be a better person. i want to be a rolmodel. i want to be someone that he/she can rely on and trust. my aunt and uncle are the best people. they are so influencial and helpful and kind and loving and i always can talk to them. i want to be not only his/her aunt but friend and confidonte.
anyways now that i have spilled my beans its time for bed. i'll post again soon!!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
its been a long time!
ok so its been FOREVER since i posted i know! i've just been really busy and have lots of projects, work, friends, and just life right now! i know i've left my whole 2 readers out there in suspense!
but tonight while i was nannying i was looking around at some other peoples blogs and one i ended up on a certain blog for a really long time. for some reason i was fascinated.. its the blog of a young women who grew up in the puyallup area and i ended up on her myspace some how a few years ago.. i think she might have been like one of my brothers friends on myspace or something like that.. well i didn't know her but i ended up on her page and was fascintated by her and her life.. shes a photographer.. and when i say photographer i mean she is absolutely AMAZING.. i don't even know her and i would suggest her for any wedding or any kind of event cause i love her work and i know i will use her some day. anywho.. i read alot on her blog. its more of a photo blog but lots of captions.. she seems like such a fun person she VERY involved in the community and has beautiful little daugter.. as creepy as it sounds.. i think i might send her an email and tell her how amazing i think her photography is.. i know i would find it to be a compliment if some stranger i had never met told me they admired my art. if you want to take a look at her blog just shoot me an email and i'll send her blog to you.. i suggest you do :) email me: jaimienickel@gmail.com
ok now off of that tangent.. i realized that i hadn't posted on here in forever and jenna has ben asking me to post again.. but when i originally started this blog i wanted it to be a picture blog.. on myspace i used to post picture blogs all the time.. and thats what i planned on doing on here.. buuut i've been to busy.. and haven't been taking me pictures of life, friends, and events lately.. mainly cause my mom has had my camera for waaaay over a month now.. prolly close to two.. but thats about to change. i'm making a special stop at my parents house tomorrow just to pick up my camera :) i've been lost without it... so the point of this is.. that i'm gonna do what i set out to do.. weekly posts if not more.. telling what going on in my life by pictures.. that way some day when i have a family.. i can look back and have documented my life.. and if for some reason my computer ever crashes (knock on wood) or i loose all my precious pictures (they seriously mean the world to me) i will always have at least some of my favorites on the internet :)
ok.. really though.. that was a non-sense challenge that i know neither of you two will care about (and yes.. i'm refering to you jenna and evan cause ur the only people on here)
but tonight while i was nannying i was looking around at some other peoples blogs and one i ended up on a certain blog for a really long time. for some reason i was fascinated.. its the blog of a young women who grew up in the puyallup area and i ended up on her myspace some how a few years ago.. i think she might have been like one of my brothers friends on myspace or something like that.. well i didn't know her but i ended up on her page and was fascintated by her and her life.. shes a photographer.. and when i say photographer i mean she is absolutely AMAZING.. i don't even know her and i would suggest her for any wedding or any kind of event cause i love her work and i know i will use her some day. anywho.. i read alot on her blog. its more of a photo blog but lots of captions.. she seems like such a fun person she VERY involved in the community and has beautiful little daugter.. as creepy as it sounds.. i think i might send her an email and tell her how amazing i think her photography is.. i know i would find it to be a compliment if some stranger i had never met told me they admired my art. if you want to take a look at her blog just shoot me an email and i'll send her blog to you.. i suggest you do :) email me: jaimienickel@gmail.com
ok now off of that tangent.. i realized that i hadn't posted on here in forever and jenna has ben asking me to post again.. but when i originally started this blog i wanted it to be a picture blog.. on myspace i used to post picture blogs all the time.. and thats what i planned on doing on here.. buuut i've been to busy.. and haven't been taking me pictures of life, friends, and events lately.. mainly cause my mom has had my camera for waaaay over a month now.. prolly close to two.. but thats about to change. i'm making a special stop at my parents house tomorrow just to pick up my camera :) i've been lost without it... so the point of this is.. that i'm gonna do what i set out to do.. weekly posts if not more.. telling what going on in my life by pictures.. that way some day when i have a family.. i can look back and have documented my life.. and if for some reason my computer ever crashes (knock on wood) or i loose all my precious pictures (they seriously mean the world to me) i will always have at least some of my favorites on the internet :)
ok.. really though.. that was a non-sense challenge that i know neither of you two will care about (and yes.. i'm refering to you jenna and evan cause ur the only people on here)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
time for a change
sooo i've been doing alot of thinking lately. and i have a lot of decisions to make. i feel like right now my life is on a course to no where. i'm not doing anything. i'm not going anywhere. i'm not working at a good job. so whats really holding me back!?? pretttty much nothing?! so why can't i decide what i want to do or where i want to be. all i know is.. i'm unhappy with where i'm at and what i'm doing right now so something has got to change. but why am i so scared? i think its because i don't believe in myself. i don't think i can make it on my own.. i mean.. i'm making it on my own right now pretty well.. the best i can.. but i'm talking about something completely different.
i have two offers.
1. pittsburgh. well cranberry actually. i could move to the east coast where all of my family is.. which is very appealing. i love all of them so much. it would be so great to be near all of them and to really get to know them. i love vacationing there and i don't think that a day goes by that i don't think about them. the only thing that i don't think that i would like about it back there is the weather.. the winters can be really rough and the summers can be verrrrry humid. and i would also be using my family as a crutch. which isn't bad but it isn't the best. and i don't think it would be super easy to meet people my age.
2. california. well.. saf fran actually. my brothers friend amanda and i have talked off and on for a few years now. i absolutely adore her. she's lived in san fran for 4 years now. i really admire her because she up and left her life here to start over down in california. she knew that if she stayed here she would go no where.. and that she needed to find herself and the only way she could do that.. was to be on her own. which is exactly what i want. she and i have talked about it alot and she is always encouraging me to do the same. she told me that if i want to move to san fran she will help me out. she'll help me find a job. introduce me to people. find a place to live. anything i need. which is really appealing.
so those are my options. and i really need to do some thinking. decide what i really want. what i want to do. and where i want to be.
i have two offers.
1. pittsburgh. well cranberry actually. i could move to the east coast where all of my family is.. which is very appealing. i love all of them so much. it would be so great to be near all of them and to really get to know them. i love vacationing there and i don't think that a day goes by that i don't think about them. the only thing that i don't think that i would like about it back there is the weather.. the winters can be really rough and the summers can be verrrrry humid. and i would also be using my family as a crutch. which isn't bad but it isn't the best. and i don't think it would be super easy to meet people my age.
2. california. well.. saf fran actually. my brothers friend amanda and i have talked off and on for a few years now. i absolutely adore her. she's lived in san fran for 4 years now. i really admire her because she up and left her life here to start over down in california. she knew that if she stayed here she would go no where.. and that she needed to find herself and the only way she could do that.. was to be on her own. which is exactly what i want. she and i have talked about it alot and she is always encouraging me to do the same. she told me that if i want to move to san fran she will help me out. she'll help me find a job. introduce me to people. find a place to live. anything i need. which is really appealing.
so those are my options. and i really need to do some thinking. decide what i really want. what i want to do. and where i want to be.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
is it to much to ask for?
so i watched the oscars tonight and saw all of the beautiful dresses that the women wore. absolutely gorgeous. and it made me soooooooo freaking mad. lol. no really though. it did.
my 21st birthday is coming up and i've been shopping around in stores and online for something to wear that night. you see i don't feel pretty on a daily basis or very often at all for that matter (I'm not trying to get you down or be all woe is me but its the truth). i've been shopping for a dress for my 21st birthday cause i wanna feel pretty and i wanna feel special because for some reason its an important day to me. (I'm last to turn 21 in my famliy so i'm pretty sure everyone is looking forward to it.. and there will hopefully be a pretty big celebration.) I can't find anything that i like ANYWHERE. i'm' not kidding i 've looked at so many stores.
my whole issue started when i went shopping with my friend kate last weekend. we were talked alot about how i don't dress the way that i would choose to dress. i don't where the clothes that i would pick out for myself if i had the pick of anything. either i'm just stupid and looking in all of the wrong places.. or no where that i know of sales anything that i like in my size. i walk into all of these stores when i go shopping with my friends and see tons of clothes that i think are so cute and wish that i could think in my size.. but i never can find them in my size.. i love shopping with my friends and i'll point out things that i wish i could have.. and then they buy them.. which is fine. but i just wish that i could have it. so frustrating.
all i want it to find something that i really love. clothes that i actually like and feel comfortable and pretty wearing. and something to wear for my birthday.... but it is feeling impossible.
anywho.. thats just whats on my mind.
my 21st birthday is coming up and i've been shopping around in stores and online for something to wear that night. you see i don't feel pretty on a daily basis or very often at all for that matter (I'm not trying to get you down or be all woe is me but its the truth). i've been shopping for a dress for my 21st birthday cause i wanna feel pretty and i wanna feel special because for some reason its an important day to me. (I'm last to turn 21 in my famliy so i'm pretty sure everyone is looking forward to it.. and there will hopefully be a pretty big celebration.) I can't find anything that i like ANYWHERE. i'm' not kidding i 've looked at so many stores.
my whole issue started when i went shopping with my friend kate last weekend. we were talked alot about how i don't dress the way that i would choose to dress. i don't where the clothes that i would pick out for myself if i had the pick of anything. either i'm just stupid and looking in all of the wrong places.. or no where that i know of sales anything that i like in my size. i walk into all of these stores when i go shopping with my friends and see tons of clothes that i think are so cute and wish that i could think in my size.. but i never can find them in my size.. i love shopping with my friends and i'll point out things that i wish i could have.. and then they buy them.. which is fine. but i just wish that i could have it. so frustrating.
all i want it to find something that i really love. clothes that i actually like and feel comfortable and pretty wearing. and something to wear for my birthday.... but it is feeling impossible.
anywho.. thats just whats on my mind.
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